weeping wailing
retching shitting
black sewage
white poison
brown gelatin from the canned cat food

a hand on my back
a hand on my brow
my god my goddess
I break I scatter
my dreams burn my skin
my hopes explode
in my face
my fears are too dreadful
to inhabit

if I believe what they say
then I am doomed…
to the smallest life
of held breath and looking backwards
over my shoulder
to see what pursues me
to looking forward
in desperate starvation
for the next crumb
from someone else’s turkey sandwich

if I toss it all up
fling my ashes into the biting wind
then I see myself
in the small brown bird
with a yellow breast
alighting on a branch
dotted with rare buds

if I toss it all up
then I can let other humans
do what they do
be who they are
have a casual affection for me
or none at all

if I toss it all up
I can let my life arrange itself
in perfect harmony
but not what I thought
or what I thought I wanted

the secret is in the hidden caress
if I can let myself be loved that much
whether or not
the bills are paid on time
whether or not
I have a large devoted following
or none at all
whether or not
my lover still is that
whether or not
any man could ever love me as both
Dakini and mortal woman
with excessive and innocent emotions

if I can let that much Love
take me over
scour my insides
inflame my Passion
my True Calling
if I can let that much Love see me
have it’s way with me
in all my wretched human-ness
then the fat raindrops can slide freely
down the windowpane
the mist can settle gently
in the meadow

it’s time to let Certain Kindness
move through
sometimes ripping and pounding
sometimes sighing
to re-teach the deluded tragic lessons
that were learned so well
to kiss the open palm
and let the pastel flesh of those rare buds